I've been trying to develop a relationship with God, and it's pretty much the most difficult thing I've ever done. Paul summed up the experience pretty well when he said: "Oh miserable man that I am. Who will save me from this body of death?" It's only when you try to do something as important as serving God that you realize just how pathetic you really are. I would give up if that was possible, but it isn't. That's the thing with the truth: it sets you free from lies and delusions, but it also cuts through all your excuses. Once you know, you can't un-know.
But despite the difficulty, knowing that God is real brings me a sense of peace beyond comparison. I have faith that, with or without me, God's purpose will ultimately come to pass, and that is the most wonderful thought imaginable.
Ah but faith - there's the rub! I don't think I can explain it to someone who hasn't been through it, but wrestling with one's faith is core of trying to serve God. It is the central issue that underlies every difficulty you face. It makes you feel like a fool, and a wretch, and an ingrate, crawling back time after time to the One who is constant, and unwavering, perfect and always merciful. I can understand why Jesus said only the meek need apply. There is no room for ego on the path to God.
I've heard unbelievers describe Christians as unthinking "sheep" with "blind faith" in their religion. Maybe for some who profess Christianity, it is that easy. But for me, faith comes with eyes wide open or not all. And there's nothing easy about it.
